The “sticky note” story……How did she know?

 

This story is about my Aunt Vivian.

She died in 2004 at the age of 74.

What I remember most about her , back then, was that she was very small in stature , soft spoken , and had a very calm heir about her ….

When I was a kid, I didn’t know her all that well.

My older siblings knew her better. I was the youngest of 5. She had children more closer to my older siblings’ ages. When I was born, all of her children (my cousins) were a lot older than me. I only just knew her as Aunt VIV who talks to my mom on the phone every so often.

She was married to my mom’s brother, Uncle George. Uncle George died in 1991. He was a soft spoken man who worked for IBM much of his adult life.

As a kid, I remember seeing Aunt Viv only a few times per year, if that. Back in the 70s and 80s, when I was growing up, people mostly “visited” or spoke on the phone. I think my parents communication with relatives was usually a random phone call.

I later learned that my Mom, Dad, Aunt, and Uncle  were all very close “back in the day”..They just got busy with life as time went on.. But kept in touch to catch up every so often ..

Aunt Viv only lived about a mile away from my childhood home .

I wanted to write about Aunt Viv because she had a special gift.

She went through a lot of heart ache as an adult.

She had 4 children.

One of her 4 children, named Doreen, died in 1961. She was only 8 years old. Doreen died from complications from spinal meningitis. I can’t imagine what it is like to lose a child in such a way.

Then, another sad situation .., In 1988.. Her son, Gary, died tragically in a car crash in Cortland, NY (near Syracuse). Gary was only 41. His 13  year old daughter, Sarah, was also in the car. Sarah was also killed .

And so, Aunt Vivian lost a son and a granddaughter in that car crash. Sadly, the accident was a result of a drunk driver ..driving recklessly though an intersection.

You will see the picture below of the grave stone website for my cousin, Gary, and the note on the left is so sad ……”killed by drunk driver”.

Can you imagine what she had endured ? She lost a total of 2 of her own children and 1 beautiful teenaged granddaughter … That’s just awful and heartbreaking . Yet she continued to carry on …

When Aunt Vivian died in 2004, I went to her funeral. I loved how so many people volunteered to go to the podium of the church to tell their own story of how special Aunt Viv was to them.

One very important piece of information you need to know about her is that she was one of the original founders of “Hospice” here in Ulster County. Many people spoke about that at her funeral.

Hospice.!!…. Of course !!…She knew how to help people who were in the dying process and she knew how to help the family members with their grief. She had been through the grief process more than she cared  to be, I’m sure.

I had my own story of Aunt Viv to tell, and wanted so bad to walk “up front” at her funeral to tell the story, but I just couldn’t do it .. Too difficult …

Here’s the story  I wanted to tell …..

My mother. May, 1994. She was dying….She was lying in the intensive care unit in the hospital. She was on lots of morphine to help her be comfortable. She battled cancer and went through all she could handle.. The chemo and radiation and the sickness took its toll along with the cancer that spread though her body.

My dad and us 5 kids had never seen this before. Seeing your wife and mother suffer terribly. Lying there, breathing her last breaths ..looking like a person we don’t even know. Moaning.. Bloated stomach, tubes, wires. beeping machines, It was scary… It was sad. It was uncomfortable. It was unfamiliar.

So, the only person who really knew how to “take the wheel”, so to speak, was Aunt Vivian.

She went into that I.C.U. hospital room. She brought her soft spoken , calm , little self and she sat down next to my mom and she worked her magic.  .  She sat next to my mom and held her hand .. She said all the right things. “Are you scared?”,” It’s ok to “let go””, “Look out the window .. and look at the beautiful sky and clouds”, pointing out beautiful things around her….. ..My mom deserved that ..She so needed that ..

..Aunt Viv was way more familiar and way more comfortable then the 6 of us were.

Then……the story continues…….

Mom died on May 8th, 1994 (Just hours after aunt vivs final visit I just spoke about ). I was the last child still living at home. My Dad had to learn a lot of things. And, so I spent time with him. Showed him how to use the wash machine and dryer, write out a check, keep a check book, keep up with the mail and bills… Stuff like that. .He was a great sport and learned all of that. LIKE A CHAMP.. His grocery lists became so organized and his routine became great.

After that got all squared away… … It was time for me to leave.

During my moms last months of life, I had been busy filling out all of the paperwork… Getting ready  to go away to college.

In September, I moved to Albany to go to college.

I just lost my mom and then I left my dad home to live alone. I was glad that I was only an hour north. And I was glad my siblings lived near him. He also had many great neighbors and all of his “mall walkers club” friends. Dad did well without me. But, still,  that did not take away the guilt.

I found myself living in a dorm with other students who were a few years younger then me. Most of them have never lost a parent and did not understand what I had gone though. Heck, they didn’t know me at all… Only my roommate and few floormates knew my fragile  situation.

My grief started taking a toll on me.

I found myself sleeping A LOT. So much that I would fall asleep when I got home from class in the afternoon, and woke up the next morning with my clothes from the day before still on. I only woke up because I knew I had to treck to class. I procrastinated with my school work.

Another thing…. I had a meal card at college….. Which allowed for me to go to the cafeteria and eat anything ,anytime I wanted. I ate and ate. Nothing filled me up. I think I was trying to fill that void.

I look back now…. and it was obvious ….I was depressed.

I walked around that campus feeling like I did not fit in, my heart was heavy, I felt guilty, I felt sad, and I was getting super fat.. ….Just stating the facts.

All my days were difficult, especially those first few months.

This is where Aunt Vivian’s “gift” comes into the picture., again….

One day, I suffered though going to all my classes on campus… It was a sub zero cold winter day. That SUNY campus was always bone chilling cold and wind-y. I am not a winter person.

That day, in particular,  I felt especially broken and cold and unhappy….

So, I finally made it back to my dorm building, …thawing off from the bitter cold.. And I will never forget what happened next..

I walked into my dorm room. My roommate was there. Her name was Kristen.

She said to me  “There’s a message for you …”. She points to a yellow sticky note that she had stuck to the corner of my T.V.

I looked at the square, yellow sticky note… I will NEVER forget what that note said.

It said ….

“Your Aunt Vivian called. ….. She wanted to let you know that she was thinking about you….She said you didn’t have to call her back”…

(She didn’t leave her phone number)..

Those were the sweetest words I had ever read. She KNEW.. !!! At that moment.

She hardly knew me. I hardly knew her… But she KNEW !!! At that very time in my life, I needed that phone call and that note.

Her kind gesture changed me. She obviously knew me more than I realized .  And at that moment ..I suddenly knew her well !!<3

A person so in-tuned to grief…..helped me.

She never knew how special that note was. I never called her back. She never left her number. She knew that note was plenty…. I didn’t need to talk to her. That note WAS our conversation.

Needless to say, I pinned that sticky note up to my message board and kept it there for the rest of the school year.

Things got way better for me after that.

I eventually got my life back and felt in control, again.

When I had to pack up my dorm and move all my stuff back home for the summer. I remember I left that note on my cork message board and placed it in my bedroom back  at my Dad’s house.  Every time I walked past that note, I thought of Aunt Viv and thanked God for her.

I had saved that sticky note for a long time..But, now, I can’t find it …

But, I will always have a snapshot of it in my memory. ALWAYS…

———-

An added note – My friend sent me a text , after reading this story … To inform me that I “Aunt Viv”ed her once !… So, maybe the gift has been passed on to me !! I hope so !!

Read this info in the picture below… It lists all the people in Viv’s family that I just mentioned……